Check it out!

That’s all! I know the experts say we should only make one reslution at a time so it’s easier to follow through, but I can handle four.  They aren’t too massive and I’ve been on a role with bettering myself.

<3

How do I lock in goals and see them through?

I do this.  I write about them.  I tell everyone I know (and don’t know, if you’re reading this and we’ve never met) what my plans are so that when I have my moments of weakness, I am forced to push through them.  Maybe this is a sign of me caring too much about what other people think, but that’s not always such a bad thing.  You see, there’s a fine line between caring too much and not caring enough.  Finding the middle ground is tough, but I think I’d like to care just a bit too much than to be that selfish asshole everyone avoids.   Being walked all over isn’t any good, but it’s not too hard to notice when a person is abusing altruism.  And when that happens, I find it easy to take a step back.  It’s easier to convince people I’m not some rag doll made of good deeds than it is to win back my friends after a spell of selfishness.  With billions of unavoidable people in the world, you better bet your butt it’s ten times easier to simply get along and find the occasional compromise than it is to expect everything to fall into place for you.

That’s why I make a -very- conscious effort to better myself every few months.  And why I write about it.

This morning I was driving around town running errands and witnessed a domino effect of good behavior on the road.  Then I compared it to all the times I’ve been on the highway, antsy to get from my hometown to my college-town and being frustrated at every Tom, Dick and Harry who got in my way.  MY way. Not that there is any chance in hell I might be in THEIR way.  Nope. That would be too obvious.  I can somehow convince myself that I am the only person in the world who should have all the rights on the road, and if anyone gets in my way then they were born assholes raised to piss me off.  Only in a heated moment does this train of thought make sense.  I know you understand.  We’ve all been there.  But I digress.

During my drive around town this morning I did something simple that only shaved off about 45 seconds of the time it would have taken to get from point A to point B.  I stopped and let a car go in front of me.  I stopped in the middle of a 40 mile-per-road with tons of cars behind me to let a woman in her Subaru pull out from the side road.  We made eye contact, she smiled, I smiled, she waved, I waved, and out she was.  Then, only a few minutes down the road the women I had stopped for stopped for ANOTHER car.  And I’ll bet you this kept happening because it isn’t until someone does something nice for us that we remember how good it feels to receive a good gesture and pass it on.  Until, of course, that one selfish ass who is in a rush to get to the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru breaks the generostiy groove.  We’ve been that jerk.  And it isn’t very rewarding.

Starting today, I’m going to make the biggest effort I can to be the nicest pedestrian and the nicest driver I can be, even when I’m late or irritated or tired.  There have certainly been times where I’m on the highway with my cruise control set to 72 and, boom, just like that some wing-ding in the right lane comes swerving over, cuts me off, and forces me to turn off my cruise control.  Do you know what that means?! It means I have to click a little button or lightly put my foot on the break for a split second and THEN I have to READJUST my cruise control! READJUST!Armageddon folks.  That’s what that is.  Or just the epitomy of American Laziness. And a good metaphor for life (yep, I’m about to go there):  We’re all on cruise control, not really paying any attention to the details or to the fact that we’re all human, and as soon as someone forces us to reconnect with reality, we freak out, overreact, expect too much, get angry for no reason at others which doesn’t just make them feel shitty but also wears and tears on ourselves, too.  All because we had to take the car off cruise control or spare a solid 30 seconds.  How silly that?  Really silly.

I know, I know, just because I stop for my fellow drivers doesn’t mean my life is going to improve immensely nor does it mean the rest of the world is going to become a pool of positivity, but this applies to all aspects of life.  You see the car waiting patiently to pull out? Stop for a gosh darn second.  You see the empty shopping cart sitting in the middle of a perfectly open parking space? Move the damn thing! There’s a pedestrian waiting to cross and the cross walk is only a few feet away? Oh big whoop, stop and let em’ cross anyway.  Don’t try to convince yourself that you’ve never ever done that and hoped someone would stop for you. You’re in a car for pete’s sake, they’re on foot!  I know it’s hard to do little generous things in this day in age when there’s isn’t any kind of public recognition or adorable little rubber bracelet to flaunt, but imagine how much happier everyone would be if we all slowed down for just a second, committed to being more positive, and followed through.  Much better, right?  Even when I force myself to slow down and do something good I feel better about it later.

Some people would argue, “What’s the point in doing a good deed if you don’t REALLY want to do it?”  The point is that you did something good.  And I’d love to meet someone who had to do something nice but never for even just a second felt kind of good about it afterward.  Even when I was forced to do community service my freshmen year of college I enjoyed it.  I woke up that morning feeling bitter about that fact that I was going to walk around town picking up other peoples’ trash, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt pretty good about myself afterward. I even did a few more times! And I’ve stopped myself from letting road rage get the best of me, only to realize after how good it felt to fight the urge despite how angry I was on the inside.  Once I realized it was possible to get through the negativity, it eventually became pretty natural.

So, here’s my proposal.  I want everyone to pick something, little or big, and committ to it.  This means writing about it, telling people about it, feeling obligated to follow through, doing it, reflecting on it, realizing how nice it was to overcome and then maybe writing about it again!

Pick your route!

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Personal Proof:

Think I quit biting my nails one day because I felt like it? No, I had friends scolding me in the middle of class when my fingers were in my mouth.  Think I grew up as some happy-go-lucky driver who smiles at strangers I’ll never see again on the road? False.  I told people I didn’t have road rage and didn’t want to be liar when they got in the car with me!  Think it was easy to stop getting angry about little things? It wasn’t! I bought a book about anger AND did all the exercises it suggested.  Was it easy to throw away my anti-depressants two winters ago? Nope. Hardest thing ever.  Easy to tell my friends I couldn’t go out this past semester so I could write kick-ass essays and get the best grades I’ve gotten in three years? It was PAINFUL to say no. I hated it. And don’t even get me started on my damn break-up this year.  That right there was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Committing to generosity and positivity is tough.  But it possible.  And once you start overcoming all sorts of little monthly resolutions, it becomes more and more fun to make them more challenging.  Changing your entire thought process or specific behaviors is tricky business, but if you utilize the public and make yourself feel obligated to improve, it’s more than doable.  Try it!

I’ve been the more social in this month alone than I have in the past two years, something I should make note of just in case I ever try persuading myself that I don’t need to be surrounded by people in order to remain happy.  I do.  It’s as simple as that.  Don’t get me wrong, I value my alone time and crave it every couple of days, but it’s my friends who keep me feeling energized and alive.

I

I also just had one of the strongest academic semesters I’ve had in college.  I’m normally a straight B student, with the exception of sophomore year when I got a C in math and another C in research methods part one (I got a B in part two!).  But this semester I wanted to be better than I have been.  After going through a break-up a person can go in one of two directions: Up or Down.  I chose to go up;  I quit biting my nails, I started saving money, I started job hunting, I socialized more, and I vowed to write the best essays and give the best presentations I could give.  I mean, sure, I was pretty damn stressed at a few points and dealt with some haggard stress induced break-outs on my face, but was it worth it? Absolutely.  The outcome? Take a look for yourself!

Another thing that keeps my spirits high is my future.  I have minor panic attacks when I realize I have six months post graduation to get my crap together, find a job, and start paying back the massive amounts of loans I’ve taken out, but I’m also comforted by the fact that I am already preparing myself for this.  My friend Alena and I have been job hunting in the Boston area.  We might go there, find a cheap apartment, and then see what happens.  We both refuse to go back to our hometowns and neither of us is too fond of Burlington these days.  I’m determined to make it work and, according to my past, it probably will (went to China, made it to college, went to Tanzania twice, got good grades, etc).

The last thing that is making this month exciting is getting to see my HOST SISTER!!! I went to China five years ago and lived with a family I never thought I’d see again.  They were warm, welcoming, open-minded and funny.  My host sister and I got unbelievably close and bawled our eyes out when we had to say goodbye.  Now she’s America! I’m pick her up on the 20th from the Burlington airport, bringing her home, and showing her off to my family for seven whole days!  It’s going to be fun to have everyone meet the girl I talked about for so long after returning home from my trip to China <3

That’s pretty much all!  I have had a great month leading up to vacation, am now on vacation, and when I return back to school it’ll be a new semester and a new start.  Oh! And all my friends who were studying abroad will be back!  I almost forgot. It just got THAT much better :)

Okay, so this was only on a computer screen, but isn't it so cozy?! It was a great addition to the holiday party.

Dancing to X-Mas music on a record player with eggnog, rum, and Bailey's? Yes, please.

Here's to new friends, old friends, and christmas sweaters. Cheers!

Thank you, Will (and roommates), for hosting such a fabulous little get together!

Have I mentioned yet how much I love Christmas? Or, not so much the actual holiday, but more so the spirit? Because I do.  Immensely.

I’ve been keeping a journal of good days, bad days, forced good days, and days where I wish I could have my memory wiped out completely.  It’s been helpful to re-read what I write in the heat of the moment because I’ve actually come up with some solid coping mechanisms, words of wisdom, and epiphanies.  And what better way to feel obligated to abide by everything I’ve told myself than by posting it for the public?  If you haven’t already noticed, it’s what I do.  I do something in public and want to back myself up.  It’s sort of like “Leading By Example”, except, I’m not leading anyone, just myself.  That’s important.

Here’s how I’m dealing/leading:

• Instead of listening to slow songs about feeling sorry for myself, I listen to the ones that boast about how much fun it is to be strong, independent, and no longer helpless.  For all you music lovers, do the same.  If you know how a single song can change your mood, then predetermine what mood you want it to be changed into and avoid the tear jerkers.

• You’re thinking about Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Birthdays, and other highlights on your calender, aren’t you?  Are you thinking about how awful they’re all going to be alone? Stop it.  I know this is hard, but it’s doable: Live one day at a time.  Forget the future.  You know how fast things can change so how do you know this Valentines Day won’t be the best one of your life?  If things can get as bad as they did as fast as they did, the exact opposite can happen, too.

• If there are SO many blogs, quotes, movies, and songs about how awful break ups are then it means I’m not alone.  MILLIONS of people go through this same thing every day.  In fact, it happens so often that there are steps, predictable steps, for what a person goes through post break-up.  First you’re confused and sad, then you’re angry, then you’re giddy as hell, then you’re sad again, then you just kind of…move on!  I will survive.  And so will you.

• Oh, suddenly you can’t go anywhere without being haunted by memories? Join the club.  It fricken blows.  Cars with ski racks on top, hockey games on the flat screen TV at the bar, that stupid truck covered in Christmas lights, beer, and all the roads in town are just a few of the daily things I can’t stand seeing.  What do I do?  I look up interesting jobs in Boston, a place with no association to anyone or anything.  I seek out a fresh start.  I say, “Fine, I’ll go somewhere else, meet new people, learn new life lessons, and become a bigger, better, wiser, more self-sufficient person.”  And while I’m at it, I’ll start watching all the hockey games with a nice, cold beer so I can realize how much of my own experience it can be.  The human brain is a magical thing — we can train it to think differently about almost anything.  At least give it a try, okay?

• I play the 24 hour game with myself.  Any time I make a decision to message, email, or write a long love letter stating all my current feelings, I don’t follow through.  If you’re in one of those lows where you think, “I can’t do this! I’d be willing to never speak to any other human being on the face of this planet if I can just be with him/her again!” Let it settle a bit.  That’s called desperation, and we know how irrational people can be when they’re desperate.  Starving = Stealing from stores, Dirt Poor = selling drugs, sex, or getting into fights, breaking-up and having one lonely night = sending that note you didn’t really mean.  Give it 24 hours.  That is it.  If you’re still feeling strongly about it, then maybe you really should say something.  But if you’re having second thoughts or you’ve changed your mind completely, well…it’s a good thing you gave it some time, huh?

• You meet a new guy/gal who’s fun and attractive and interesting and think, “Yes!!!…wait…you’re different.”  If you’re comparing everyone to your ex, it means you’re not ready to move on.  It’s okay to be alone. Test the waters every now and then because, as difficult as it is, it’s still healthy to try.  You’re single, not dead or impossible to date or love or have fun with.  It’s just one of those things you shouldn’t force.  Be single if you need to be and stop trying so hard to replace what you had.

• Don’t lie to yourself.  Don’t get too proud or too down.  If you’re upset, let it out.  If you’re happy, let it out.  I try to go out with friends as often as possible, but sometimes being in my room and moping is exactly what I need.  Find the balance between the two.

• Don’t use the break-up as an excuse to be weak or bad at something, use it as an excuse to be better.  Example: One day, when I was feeling rather shitty, I looked down at my nails and thought, “screw it, I’m going to bite them.”  Then I thought, “what’s the point?  What does that even prove?” So I didn’t. And I haven’t bit my nails in over two months.  I also never used my break-up as an excuse to not hand in projects or assignments.  Letting a bad experience make you stronger turns it into a good experience.

• “A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.”  ~Hugh Downs  I’ve had a few days where I’ve thought my life is at its absolute worst.  If I dropped a glass cup in the sink and broke it I felt like Armageddon was surely at the door.  But then it hit me — when else would this have been better?  There is no right time to break-up with someone.  There is no invisible force dropping glasses in the sink because they know I’m feeling down.  How many times have I broken a cup or a plate on a good day?  Many times.  And I probably laughed about it.  It’s hard to remember the positive things when the negative ones feel so terrible, but be aware of that and everything will change.  My life isn’t/wasn’t falling into shambles.  I was just feeling particularly vulnerable. And no matter when this break-up had happened, it would have sucked through and through.
• Avoid the “what ifs”.  At ALL cost.  Do not let them in.  How do I do it?  Well, I haven’t got the answer to that just yet.  All I know is how painful is it to go back and replay every little step.  These are the kinds of questions that make me crazy.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I could have my memory totally wiped out because of them.  But they always pass, I always move on, and I thank the world of technology for not being able to erase memories from whiny girls like me : )

You see?  Today is obviously one of my good days, and these ones get better every time.  At least the bad ones don’t get worse.  They’re actually shorter lived and less uncontrollable.

Here’s the thing — I am BEYOND ready to leave this miniature college campus and have a life where I wake up each morning, go to a job I worked hard to get, come home at the end of the day, and have that be it. No homework.  No forced assignments and limiting rubrics.  Just my life (with the occasional “homework” assignment from work, whatever that may be).  I’m ready for that.  And thinking about it eases my mind.  But there’s a much smaller picture with many more details.  This is where it gets messy.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

I don’t want to stay in Burlington.  Why? Because there are five college’s here which means there are thousands of college students doing the same things, learning the same lessons, making the same mistakes, and going to all the same places.  It was a fun scene for four years, but I’m ready to move on.  Very ready.  I’m also in desperate need of something that reminds me less of the past two years of my life and more of what the next two years could be.  You know?  To put it lightly, my mind has been slightly haunted by my recent past and getting away would be a healthy decision.

But where do I go? Great question! Not my hometown.  That’s my main goal.  If it comes down to it I’ll live in a cardboard box in Burlington.  I can’t live in Brattleboro because I don’t want to get stuck there.  It’s small, predictable, and doesn’t allow much room for growth when you’re 21 years old.

I was thinking about Boston.  It’s bigger than Burlington yet much smaller than New York City.  There are plenty of job options and, of course, my best friend Nicole lives there.  We battled middle school, high school, boys, drugs, alcohol, and girl drama together.  Why not dive into adulthood with one another, too?  We’d be perfect support systems.

The problem: I can’t just MOVE to Boston.  How would I afford a down payment for an apartment?  And the rent? Transportation? Food? What about things FOR an apartment? I’ve lived in college housing all four years.  I don’t have a bed. I don’t have a dresser.  A desk. Nothing.  My life consists of myself and about six or seven boxes, most of which are full of clothes.

How do I get started?? Ask my parents? No. They can’t afford to supply me with a life starting kit, either.

What if I can’t find a job after graduation? What if I get stuck in Brattleboro forever?

I see one of two things happening in my life:

1.  I move to Boston, get a job, get an apartment, learn some lessons, fight some hardships, meet new friends, get comfortable, meet my future husband, grow and learn more, maybe go to Graduate school, maybe get a better job, look into buying a house, etc.

2.  I move to Brattleboro, get a job, live with my parents, meet nobody new who is my age since I went to school with everyone there, meet no future husband, get an apartment, maybe a cat or six, get a slight raise every couple of years at my job, become stable, become lonely, become a robot.

WHAT.

No pressure or anything.  It’s not like my entire life relies upon the choices I make throughout the next six months.

*Palm of hand to forehead*

*Nods head in the “no” direction*

On a more positive note, I’m going to Florida for Spring Break!

Can you say PARTY, STRIPPING, ALCOHOL, BEACHES, AND BOYS?

Me neither.

I’m actually just going with Amanda so we can stay at the retirement home her grandparents live in.  We’re going to relax, read books on the beach, have small glasses of wine with her grandmother, and enjoy the fact that we haven’t yet been thrown into the harsh find-your-way-and-start-paying-back-your-student-loans-before-you-live-on-the-street world.  It’s going to be the absolute most perfect vacation :)

Here’s hoping life works out.

Cheers.

How do I change my feelings, you ask? Easy! Not. It’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve tried to make myself do, but also one of the most worthwhile things.  I can’t explain how great it feels to conquer personal goals and improve life little by little.  Instead of sitting around my room searching for superfluous websites about relationships, break-ups, finances, life, young adulthood, and how to survive life after college, I’ve decided to actually do something.

I changed my environment.

I changed my physical self, my eating habits, my bedroom, who I spend my time with, and how I act when I’m with others.

The result?

Positivity, easier coping mechanisms, more smiles, upbeat music, and an all around better feeling when I open my eyes each morning and close them each night.

Here are my recent improvements:

Feng Shui

Making my room festive, relaxing, clean, and organized helps me become productive which, of course, creates a domino effect of all sorts of good things.  Insert proud smile here.

Maybe it’s hard to tell, but I’ve quit biting my nails.  No, really.  I haven’t put my mouth to my hand in WEEKS!  I always look at other girls’ hands and think, “Hmph! How did she get such beautiful hands?”  I already know the answer:  She doesn’t bite them, pick at them, or forget to file them down every couple of days.  She wasn’t born with flawless hands and I’d be silly to think that anyone who has a perfect ANYTHING doesn’t have to work at it sometimes.  I’ve been cutting my nails regularly before I let them get long since I’d hate for them to be flimsy and unhealthy and breakable.  The most important thing about this is that the day has finally come where I have enough will power to stop myself long before any gnawing happens!

Good grades? I think so.  I’ve gotten two of the highest grades on midterms in two separate classes.  Imagine how much better I could do if I could afford my books!

Wardrobe changes.  Something I never do but am throwing myself into.  I’m what people would describe as a “Plain Jane” because of my history with jeans, sweatpants, plain t-shirts, sweatshirts, and fake uggs.  But I’ve been discovering ways to remain simple with a little bit of zest.  I bought some cute new boots, I wear my colorful sneakers more often, and I rock clogs regularly.  I also just went to a local thrift store with a $25.00 budget and got seven shirts that are plain, but still stylish.  Easy peasy!

Instead of soaking in my negative thoughts, I’ve made a big effort to write about good days.  I used to only try to unscramble bad days but I find it to be helpful when I recognize what’s also going well.

SOCKS! Having new socks is always a rejuvenating experience. I love them!

If I ever want to become a brilliant writer I NEED to read more.  It’s also a good way to test my ability to sit still and be patient.  No more skipping the middle and jumping to the end, either.  I’m reading these suckers from page one to page done.

Ya can’t go wrong with family photos and little words of wisdom.  Gosh I love quotes.  And my parents.

Upgrade! I got a much bigger jewelry box since I went through my grandmas gold and silver with my mom.  I inherited all kinds of meaningful rings, bracelets, pins, broaches, necklaces and earrings.  It feels good to be trusted with all these pieces of history.  I also love that a little circle for my finger can remind me of how many people I love.  What a nice pick-me-up <3

I’m learning to cook!! For real this time.  This is my friend Colton and I.  We were slaving away at the onions for the shepherds pie we made which, if I do say so myself, was quite superb — Perfect salty and deliciously moist.  Being near a stove top isn’t at intimidating as I had previously thought it was. But chopping onions is a pretty scarring experience.  I mean, just look at us! The onions had us sobbing for a long while…

When I’m feeling super down, I think about the unconditional love my dog gives me.  I adore her.  And she’s the best cuddler in. the. world.

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Last but not least, music.  Being able to relate to someone elses lyrics reminds me that I’m not the only one going through the motions of life.  We all have to do it.  And, somehow, generation after generation, we all succeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PG0ggtkvSaU